Obligations and Resentment

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Mother’s Day is fast approaching and, as the days pass, my resentment grows. It will be another day I will have to share with my mother-in-law and another day that I will not be able to spend with my mother. I will have to buy a gift and make a meal while trying to ignore the fact that my mother is gone. I feel petty and mean to express these feelings, but I can’t deny them.

My mother-in-law is not a bad person. She has many good qualities and never intentionally hurt me. She is elderly and is not the same person she used to be. What upsets me is not that my mother-in-law isn’t my mother. It is the fact that she was not a good grandmother. When my oldest son, their first grandchild, was born almost thirty years ago, my in-laws came to the hospital and then went on vacation. It isn’t as if the birth was unexpected or they had jobs that required them to choose that week. It was a conscious decision on their part. As my family grew, my in-laws' involvement with their grandchildren did not increase. My mother-in-law occasionally babysat at our house when we asked and my in-laws picked up our children every Sunday morning so they could be indoctrinated in their religion. They never took their grandchildren out for a snack or meal, never took them to a park or to see a movie, and never suggested that they come to their house for a few hours so they could spend some time together. Only one of my children ever spent a night at their house and that was because my husband and children bought me a puppy as a surprise for my birthday/mother’s day and my younger son didn’t want the puppy to spend the night alone at his grandparents' house.

My mother-in-law was 68 when my father-in-law died. She was relatively young and healthy. My children took piano lessons for a period covering at least 16 years and had at least two recitals each year. My mother-in-law attended two recitals. My children were also involved in sports: soccer, field hockey, wrestling, baseball and basketball. My in-laws came to one of my oldest son’s soccer games when he was four, left early, and never came to another sports-related event. My mother-in-law missed my daughter’s solo performance at a Grandparent’s Day at school and her last performance in a play at a drama school because she had other obligations. She often tells stories of the experiences she had with her grandparents, and my husband has memories of being with his grandparents, but my mother-in-law chose not to be involved in the lives of her grandchildren. Instead she chose to spend time with friends, volunteered at her church, a hospital and a nursing home, was active in clubs, and played bridge.

I have come to the point in my life where I realize I will probably never have grandchildren and, if I do, they will probably live far away or I will be too old to be the kind of grandparent I would like to be. I imagine myself reading to them, baking cookies with them, feeding the fish, exploring the garden, going out for lunch, seeing a movie, and taking them places I visited with my children. I resent the fact that my mother-in-law had the opportunity to know and spend time with her grandchildren and decided they weren’t important enough. I resent the fact that my family had planned to move to New York so we could be near my relatives, but both of my brothers-in-law announced they were moving out-of-state, thereby obligating us to stay in Kentucky so my mother-in-law wouldn't be alone. I resent the fact that I have spent too many Mother's Days with my mother-in-law and too few with my mother. And most of all, I resent the fact that this Mother’s Day will be another day without my mother.

The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss. ~Thomas Carlyle
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